“Community Concerns, Mostly About Janet and her quiet dog”
Date: Whenever gossip season peaks
Location: The Room of Authority
Chair: Mildred “I – Have – The – Floor” Simmons
MILDRED (President):
Okay, everyone. Let’s come to order. First item on the agenda: Unit 804’s new welcome mat that allegedly “sends a message.” Thoughts?
GARY (Director-at-Large):
It says “Wipe Your Paws,” Mildred. It’s a dog joke.
Lady Gwendolyn (Secretary, part-time binocular enthusiast):
A dog joke or a passive-aggressive jab at my Persian rug being urinated on in 2006? We can’t be too careful.
Missy Muffett (Treasurer, full-time resident drama historian):
I’ve heard from three unnamed residents that it’s code for organized dog rebellion. This might be the same underground network that planted those unauthorized begonias in the north garden.
MILDRED:
Thank you, Missy. Duly noted. We’ll add “Paw Mat Protocol” to next month’s bylaw review.
GARY:
Can we please talk about the $42,000 roof repair quote?
MILDRED:
Let’s not get bogged down in money talk. We have bigger issues. Next item: Janet from 306 has been smiling too much. It’s unsettling.
Lady Gwendolyn:
I saw her smile while carrying recycling. Real recycling. Like she enjoys it. What is she hiding?
Gary muttered something under his beard:
GARY:
I think she’s just a nice person.
ALL (in unison):
SUSPICIOUS.
Missy:
Also, Janet’s dog doesn’t bark. Ever. That’s not natural. Could be a spy. From CAT, probably.
MILDRED:
That brings us to item five: surveillance upgrades. We propose a new security camera directly outside Janet’s door – for safety. Obviously.
GARY:
This is starting to sound illegal.
Lady Gwendolyn (writing furiously):
Noted: Gary sides with Janet. Will add to newsletter under “Board Discord: Who Can You Trust?”
MILDRED:
Now, to conclude, we’ll open the floor to owner concerns.
(long silence)
OWNER #1 (from the hallway, muffled):
Why did the heat not work for four days?
MILDRED:
Thank you. We’ll form a subcommittee to emotionally unpack that experience. Lady Gwendolyn, prepare a feelings survey.
GARY (under his breath):
I hate it here.
Missy:
Gary’s tone was threatening. Add it to next meeting’s agenda.
Meeting adjourned at 8:47pm.
No motions passed.
No problems solved.
But several reputations ruined, so overall: productive.
Disclaimer: This post is satire and opinion. Read full disclaimer.
