In our building, the Board doesn’t govern.
They invoice by proxy.
Welcome to the era of Governance by Billable Hour, where no question is too small, no task too trivial, and no neighbourly judgment too obvious to be smothered in legal fees.
Before the Board opens a window, they ask legal if a breeze constitutes a liability.
Exhibit A: The “Secret” Lawsuit
When asked why owners weren’t told about pending litigation before it was filed, the Board blinked, mumbled something about “process,” and then smiled serenely:
“We asked legal. They said we didn’t have to.”
Of course they did. It is the law! Why empower owners when you can blindside them on retainer?
Exhibit B: Dog Days of Legal Advice
A service dog was seen… walking.
Ring the $550/hour panic bell
“Do we have the dog’s full medical history?”
“What treatment has it received? Who’s the vet? Can we ask for documentation of all injections and training?”
“Is anxiety a real disability or just a mood?”
The dog was better behaved than half the Board- but that didn’t stop them from spending $20,000 in legal fees trying to dissect its breed, treatment history, and whether anxiety qualifies as a real disability or just a personality flaw.
Exhibit C: Entrygate (a.k.a. Mildred v. Questions)
A resident dared to ask:
“Can you tell me what exactly you need to investigate in my unit?”
Behind closed doors, the gears turned:
“She asked a question – clearly obstructionist.”
“Could this be harassment… of us?”
“Let’s skip the explanation and go straight to litigation.”
Because nothing says community like treating boundaries as breaches and disagreement as rebellion.
Exhibit D: The Thank You That Wasn’t
A unit owner sent a polite email.
Mildred wanted to respond with a simple “thank you.”
Legal advised against it. It could create expectations.
Gratitude, after all, might imply contractual intent.
Need to read minutes? Legal.
Want to attend a meeting? Legal.
Need to fix a boiler? Legal – but only after a 12-page risk assessment memo and three waivers.
We’re governed not by humans, but by humans with lawyers on speed dial.
They’ve outsourced judgment. Delegated common sense. And handed over basic decency to firms who bill $10 a minute to redact the truth.
And we, the owners, are paying for it.
Not just in cash – but in silence, exclusion, and the slow erosion of any pretense that this building is governed for us.
Welcome to Bluevale. Please hold.
Your governance is important to us. A lawyer will be with you shortly.
Disclaimer: This post is satire and opinion. Read full disclaimer.
