If Jane Austen were alive today and forced to live under condo management, sheâd probably say:
âIt is a truth universally acknowledged, that a woman in possession of a valid complaint, must be ignored by her property manager.â
Welcome to Saddlestone Property Blinders Ltd., the company that manages Blenvale with all the grace and professionalism of a soggy crumpet hurled through a fax machine.
đ Act I: Millicentâs Magical Affidavits
Enter Millicent Hargrove, Property Manager, part-time affidavit artist, full-time truth contortionist. In sworn court documents, Millicent demonstrated a breathtaking imagination – worthy of the Booker Prize, had it not been filed under penalty of perjury.
Letâs talk numbers – or rather, Millicentâs imaginative accounting of them. In one affidavit, she solemnly declared she had received twelve complaints. But just four months later, in a new sworn statement (fresh from the Fiction Department), that number mysteriously shrunk to two. Thatâs not a typo – thatâs a vanishing act. Either complaints at Saddlestone spontaneously combust, or Millicentâs grasp of reality fluctuates based on whoâs watching. If this were a courtroom and not a farce, someone mightâve asked: âWhich version of the truth are we meant to believe today, Ms. Hargrove?â
She misstated facts with such flair you’d think she was auditioning for a pantomime rather than responding to a legal proceeding. I did what any reasonable person would do – I told her boss.
â Act II: Daphne the Indifferent
Ah, Daphne Nothingshire. The Manager of Millicent. Or as I like to call her, Lady Eyebrows Raised in Perpetual Surprise. I sent her the receipts – figuratively and literally. Millicent’s fiction-writing was laid bare.
Daphneâs response?
Nothing. Not even a polite gaslight. She simply watched the carriage crash and adjusted her bonnet.
Youâd get more action from a potted plant. At least the plant might wither in shame.
đŠ Act III: Crystal Clear Discrimination
Then came Crystal Biasleigh – the diversity outreach disaster. She managed to turn the Human Rights Code into interpretive dance: all flair, no understanding.
When I reported her behaviour – textbook discrimination, as any half-decent HR module could tell you – it was met with the same corporate shrug. That special kind of silence only a well-trained bureaucracy can perfect.
At Saddlestone, discrimination isn’t discouraged – itâs delegated.
đ¸ Act IV: Prudence and the Creepy Camerawork
And then thereâs Prudence Voyeur-Smythe, our building superintendent and part-time paparazzo. One might assume taking inappropriate photos of residents isnât part of the job description. But assumptions, like respect and accountability, are apparently optional at Saddlestone.
I reported it. Loudly. In writing. And once again, the response was Yes, you guessed it:
Absolutely sod all.
đľď¸ââď¸ The Management Model: See Nothing, Say Nothing, Do Little
Saddlestoneâs approach to complaints is a masterclass in anti-resolution.
They do not investigate.
They do not respond.
They do not act.
Instead, they appear to follow the sacred management scrolls known as:
âJust Pretend It Didnât Happen, and If It Did, Say You Donât Recall.â
Their corporate slogan might as well be:
âYour suffering is our scheduling conflict.â
đŤ Final Thoughts Over Tea (Spilled)
In any functioning ecosystem, reporting misconduct results in action.
At Saddlestone? It results in silence. Or worse – retaliation dressed up as âpolicy.â
So, if you’re ever in the mood for mismanagement with a spot of gaslighting and a biscuit of indifference, you know where to look.
But for the rest of us? Itâs time to say it plainly:
Saddlestone doesnât manage property.
They curate chaos.
And frankly, theyâre doing a smashing job of it.
Disclaimer: This post is satire and opinion. Read full disclaimer.
