A Condo Board’s Guide to Alternative Facts
Authored by: Mildred I-Have-the-Floor Simmons, JD (Justified Denialist)
With a foreword by Blazer Selfworth, Esq., Defender of the Delusional
đź“š Welcome, fellow rule-benders and democracy-curbers!
Has your condo board recently been utterly demolished in court? Did multiple judges call your actions “unreasonable,” “retaliatory,” or just plain “illegal”? Don’t panic! This guide will teach you how to spin devastating losses into bold leadership decisions.
đź“ś Chapter 1: How to Lose in Court but Still Send a Victory Letter
Why let facts get in the way of a good newsletter?
Simply issue a community-wide letter stating:
“While the ruling technically went against us, we respectfully disagree with it and remain confident in our approach.”
Translation: We’re not wrong, we’re just creatively noncompliant.
đź‘€ Chapter 2: What to Say When 3 Judges Unanimously Rule Against You
Don’t acknowledge the ruling. Instead, call it:
“A difference of interpretation between our lay understanding and the entire legal system.”
Helpful phrases:
- “We sought clarity” (after ignoring it repeatedly)
- “We acted in good faith” (while trampling on someone’s rights)
- “We consulted professionals” (Daphne from Accounting counts, right?)
đź’ˇ Chapter 3: Responding to Human Rights Complaints with Home-Grown Philosophy
Dismiss disabilities as “lifestyle choices.”
Refer to diagnoses as “emotional suggestions.”
Reframe your refusal to accommodate as:
“Maintaining harmony and fairness for the able-bodied majority.”
Bonus points if you cite “precedent” from a conversation you had once at Tim Hortons.
đź“ž Chapter 4: The Art of Ignoring Emails Until They Become Oppression
Rule of thumb:
- First complaint: delete
- Second complaint: delay
- Third complaint: claim harassment
- Fourth complaint: lawyer up and gaslight
Remember, silence is golden – especially when it buries accountability.
🎩 Bonus Tip: Appoint Yourself the Voice of the Community Without Asking Them
Were you acclaimed with no vote? Fabulous! Declare:
“I have a strong mandate from the silent majority.”
And if anyone speaks up, remind them:
“This board was democratically selected… by nobody, but we’ll take it.”
Disclaimer: This post is satire and opinion. Read full disclaimer.
