“If it’s not in the bylaws, I say it louder.”
For two decades, Mildred has been the unofficial Minister of Compliance at Blenvale – self-appointed, self-assured, and self-exempt. She doesn’t govern. She governs at. And now, in her long-awaited memoir, she finally shares the secrets behind her rule-by-ruleless regime.
Spoiler: It’s mostly made up.
đź“– Chapter 1: Tribunal? Never Heard of It.
“We didn’t lose. We were overruled by people who read the law too literally.”
Mildred reflects on not one, but two court losses – which she prefers to call “learning experiences for the judiciary.”
CAT ruled against the corporation? Twice? No matter. In Mildred’s mind, enforcement was still “fair,” just **unappreciated by people who understand human rights.”
📖 Chapter 3: We Enforce the Rules (When It’s Her)
“Multiple pets? Depends who’s asking. And who owns them.”
In this fan-favourite chapter, Mildred explains how enforcement works:
- If you’re her friend: it’s “grandfathered.”
- If you have a medical letter: “unverified.”
- If your dog saved you from an anxiety spiral: “suspiciously quiet.”
The board’s official policy?
Selective outrage, applied with precision.
đź“– Chapter 6: Big Projects, Tiny Fonts
“Transparency isn’t about telling people. It’s about filing things somewhere.”
From special assessments to loans, major financial decisions were shared with owners via secret telepathy.
But when the cleaner quit, Mildred nearly commissioned a marble plaque.
“She cleaned the elevator buttons. She cleaned our hearts.”
– actual quote, probably
đź“– Chapter 9: The Boiler That Lived (Forever)
“They told me the boiler was installed in 2008. But I can feel that it’s from the Nixon era.”
Faced with inconvenient documents, Mildred relied on something stronger than facts: her instincts.
Yes, the boilers were replaced. No, they’re not 50 years old.
But Mildred’s memory of a chilly winter in 1973 says otherwise.
📖 Chapter 11: The Loan That Wasn’t
“We never approved a loan. And if we did, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Meeting minutes, financial statements, and board emails all say a loan was approved.
Mildred says: “Nope.”
This chapter includes an annotated chart of things Mildred does not recall:
- The vote
- The agenda
- Her own signature
đź“– Chapter 12: The Owners Were Silent, So We Took It As Applause
“They didn’t ask questions. Therefore, they agreed with everything. That’s how fascism works – I mean, governance.”
Mildred reflects fondly on how decades of fear, fatigue, and redacted records created the perfect ecosystem of passive consent.
“Sure, no one challenged us. But that’s probably because we didn’t tell them what we were doing.”
đź“– Epilogue: I Am the Minutes
“People ask for records. I offer recollections.”
Mildred doesn’t need documentation – she has impressions.
She doesn’t need motions – she has moments.
She doesn’t enforce rules – she channels them.
🧾 Back Cover Reviews:
“A thrilling reinterpretation of events I personally witnessed.”
– Lady Gwendolyn,
“She made me sign three affidavits and I still don’t know why.”
– Missy Muffet, Passive Participant
“I barked once and she ordered a sound study.”
– Anonymous Labrador
Disclaimer: This post is satire and opinion. Read full disclaimer.
