Subtitle: They can’t draft an email without legal advice – but somehow think they’re indispensable.
At Blenvale, we don’t have a functioning board.
We have a group of legal middlemen with lanyards.
Their official title might be “director,” but their unofficial role is much clearer:
Professional Email Forwarders to SueMore BillMore LLP.
đź—Ł Got a simple question?
- “Can my partner act as my proxy while I undergo multiple biopsies and surgeries?”
“We’ll have to ask the lawyer.” - “Are we allowed to override provincial legislation with our own rules?” “We think we can but we’ll have to confirm with SueMore BillMore.”
- “Do we have to tell owners what we spend their money on?”
“Legal hasn’t weighed in yet.”
By “clarity,” of course, they mean:
An eight-page memo explaining that common sense is not, in fact, a requirement of the Condominium Act.
🧾 A Day in the Life of Blenvale’s Boardroom:
8:00 AM: Mildred receives an email from an owner requesting a lightbulb replacement. She panics. Forwards to lawyer.
8:15 AM: Bite Barker wants to ban upstairs showers. Legal review initiated.
9:00 AM: Lady Gwendolyn hears a small dog bark and asks if it could be considered a noise disturbance under the rules. She immediately forwards the question to SueMore BillMore “for clarification.”
10:30 AM: Prudence Voyeur-Smythe reviews a record request. Doesn’t know what “open book governance” means. Redacts everything and bills $60/hr for the Sharpie.
11:00 AM: Legal advises the board that yes, hallways are common elements. They respond, “We’ll get a second opinion.”
12:00 PM: Lunch. Everyone expensed the mustard. Legal says it’s fine.
🤔 Let’s Ask the Real Question:
Why are they even here?
Volunteering is noble – when you actually have something to offer.
- Do they understand the Condominium Act? Only the part that lets them redact records they don’t want you to see.
- Do they understand their fiduciary duties? They’ve heard the term. But they think it means protecting each other – not the owners.
- Can they manage a hallway leak without litigation? Sure – if it doesn’t involve an owner they’re targeting
- Do they act in the best interest of the corporation? Only if the corporation is spelled: B-I-T-E B-A-R-K-E-R.
These aren’t board members.
They’re the world’s most expensive help desk, running a condo like a legal-themed escape room.
💰 Let’s Talk Numbers:
Here’s the value these “volunteers” have delivered:
- Two tribunal losses? $100,000+ in legal.
- A noise study that didn’t study noise? $5,000.
- Thousands in legal fees to avoid giving you a 10-page record?
Classic fiscal responsibility – Blenvale-style.
Total: Over $300,000 spent not solving problems – just generating more of them.
All to cover up selective enforcement, falsified information, and the hurt feelings of Bite Barker and friends.
🪞Final Thought:
If your response to every decision is “We’ll ask the lawyer”, then maybe, just maybe:
- You’re not qualified to be on the board.
- You’re not actually running anything.
- And you’re definitely not volunteering – you’re billing us for your insecurity and incompetence.
If the only thing you consistently deliver is legal invoices, please consider stepping down.
Before we need legal advice to approve new lightbulbs.
Disclaimer: This post is satire and opinion. Read full disclaimer.
