A Groundbreaking Case of Barkingā¦ Up the Wrong Wall
Some say science is about discovery.
At Blenvale, science is about revenge – with a clipboard.
Behold: the barkless noise study.
An acoustic masterpiece in which the board set out to measure dog barking using a test that doesnāt measureā¦ you guessed right: dog barking.
Instead, they hired someone to scan my walls – yes, walls – to see how sound travels between units. This test is called an ASTC study, which, for context, is what youād use if you were building a recording studio. Or maybe inspecting drywall in an abandoned Cold War bunker.
Itās not for barking.
Itās never been for barking.
Itās the noise equivalent of using a Ouija board to diagnose strep throat.
šÆ One Unit. One Target. No Subtlety.
Out of 176 units, they chose exactly one to test:
Mine.
Just mine.
Because clearly, if a dog barks in the building and no one can hear it – it’s still my fault.
š¤·āāļø āWhat Noise?ā
I asked them what type of noise they were testing.
I asked what study they were running.
I asked what the point was.
They refused to answer.
Which is board-speak for:
āWe know this is complete crap, but Bite Barker needed to feel heard.ā
š©āāļø Scene: Courtroom Meltdown
When asked in court why they used a wall transmission test to investigate dog barking, the board replied with the grace of a dropped lasagna:
āWe were studyingā¦ umā¦ pathways.ā
āIt might have revealedā¦ barking-adjacent data?ā
āYour Honour, we believe barking isā¦ structural?ā
This is the moment you realise they Googled āsound testā and clicked the first link that didnāt involve actual barking. The judgeās expression could have curdled milk.
šø And the Cost? $5,000
What did the community get in return?
- No report on dog noise.
- No conclusions.
- No evidence.
Just a glorified wall check and a bill big enough to make your property values whimper.
š Final Bark
They didnāt test for barking.
They didnāt explain what they were doing.
They didnāt even pretend it was fair.
They just did it.
Because Bite Barker – man of mystery, rules, and reverse memory loss – wanted it done.
And when Bite Barker growls, the board plays fetch.
Disclaimer: This post is satire and opinion. Read full disclaimer.
