Brought to you by SueMore BillMore LLP and the Spirit of Blazer
Ever wonder what the stars have in store for you as a condo owner? Wonder no more. At Blenvale, your fate isn’t written in the cosmos – it’s drafted in 12-point Times New Roman by a board that thinks rules outrank legislation and barking is a mortal sin.
Let’s consult the stars (and the enforcement file).
♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You dared speak at the AGM.
Now Mercury’s in retrograde, and so is your hallway light.
Expect fines. Expect accusations. Expect Mildred to sigh loudly whenever your name is mentioned.
♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You asked for records.
The stars show a black marker and a $60/hour redaction fee.
The moons of CAT are aligning in your favour, but legal will appeal anyway – for sport.
♊ Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You tried to clarify a by-law.
Now you’re on the “combative” list.
Gwendolyn believes your aura is aggressive, and Blazer has requested a noise audit of your chakras.
♋ Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You have cancer – and asked for your partner to manage your unit during treatment.
Sadlestone’s planetary alignment says: “We’ll need to ask legal.”
Empathy retrograde until further notice.
♌ Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You have a dog.
Doesn’t matter that it’s legal.
Doesn’t matter that it’s trained.
Doesn’t matter that it saved your life.
The Tribunal sees you now. So does Bite Barker – binoculars and all.
♍ Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You reported a leak.
Congratulations, the leak is now your fault.
Also, you may have committed unauthorized showering.
♎ Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You thought the rules applied equally to everyone.
That’s adorable.
Expect spiritual disillusionment and an unexpected drywall scan.
♏ Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You attended a requisitioned meeting.
Jupiter is furious.
Mars has filed a compliance complaint.
Two lawyers are charging $11,000 to be confused by Robert’s Rules of Order.
♐ Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You made a joke.
Now it’s part of the harassment file.
The board finds humour threatening.
Expect a cease & desist signed in Comic Sans.
♑ Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You installed curtains.
The stars were not consulted.
Missy Muffet has questions. Legal has invoices.
♒ Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You read the Condo Act.
You quoted it.
You are now on the Enforcement Wheel.
Spin it to discover your fate:
- Noise complaint
- Unauthorized vibe
- Excessive understanding of your rights
♓ Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You tried to be reasonable.
Unfortunately, the board misread it as weakness.
Saturn says: lawyer up.
🪐 Final Alignment
No matter your sign, remember:
At Blenvale, the universe doesn’t decide your fate – the board does.
And their stars are always legal, billable, and retroactively weaponized.
Disclaimer: This post is satire and opinion. Read full disclaimer.
