Tagline: Democracy? No, darling – this is a monarchy. With paranoia.
Let me take you back to a simpler time – when I still naively believed that joining the condo board meant having a voice.
So there I was, newly elected, full of optimism and integrity – only to find myself trapped in a theatre of the absurd, seated across from Her Majesty Mildred.
đ The Lecture
I dared – dared! – to express disagreement with one of the boardâs decisions.
And that’s when it happened.
Mildred straightened her pearls and launched into a lecture on âboard ethics.â
âAs a board member,â she sniffed, âyou must always present a united front. No opposition. No dissent. We speak with one voice.â
Ah yes – the Ethics According to Mildred:
- Disagreeing is unethical.
- Groupthink is moral superiority.
- And âintegrityâ means keeping your mouth shut.
đŒïž Transparency? Absolutely Not.
When I suggested posting our names and photos so residents might know whoâs supposedly representing them?
Gasps. Clutching of pearls. Audible shudders.
âI donât want people to know who I am,â Mildred declared, as though she were living in a bunker under witness protection.
I reminded her:
âYou literally sit in front of them at AGMs. People can see you. They know where you go.â
But that wasnât enough.
âI donât want people to know where I live.â
Which prompted my entirely reasonable response:
âMildred⊠unless youâre flinging yourself off your balcony and landing directly in an Uber, people already know. You walk in. You walk out. And – shocking revelation – owners have a legal right to request the owner registry. Your secret lair is very much public domain.â
đ« Enter: True Crime Mildred
To justify the anonymity crusade, she summoned the ghost of a Vaughn tragedy:
âThree board members were killed. Shot. This is serious.â
Now, without making light of an actual tragedy – letâs be honest:
- Our condo isnât a crime thriller.
- Nobody is forming a hit squad over stairwell lighting.
- And unless someoneâs hired MI6 to locate Unit 302, Mildredâs location is about as secret as the mailroom.
đââïž Bonus Trauma: The Hallway Chase
When all else failed, she pulled out her final wild card:
âIn another building, I was on the board⊠and a resident chased me down the hallway!â
Honestly?
After what Iâve experienced?
Entirely believable.
And possibly the most relatable character in her whole story.
For the record, I do not condone residents chasing board members – no matter how maddening their decisions may be.
đ§ Final Thoughts
So, there you have it: a board member who believes that disagreement is unethical, transparency is dangerous, and stepping into the lobby is basically a hostage negotiation.
If you want to represent your community, be prepared:
- To shut up,
- Disappear,
- And agree with everything Mildred says â even if itâs about the dangers of being seen in daylight.
And if you dare question her logic?
Just hope youâre not next on the hallway hit list.
Disclaimer: This post is satire and opinion. Read full disclaimer.
