The 2024 AGM: A Live Stoning, Now with Folding Chairs and Tim Hortons Cups
You could feel it in the air – not the scent of accountability or truth, mind you – but the smug anticipation of a crowd waiting for blood.
Enter: The General Meeting.
Starring: yours truly, a stack of lies, and a board so righteous they skipped due process and headed straight to the crucifixion.
The crowd had gathered, clutching rulebooks they hadn’t read and moral outrage they hadn’t earned. And at the pulpit stood Blazer our resident flame-fanner, who took to the mic like it was a courtroom drama and he was auditioning for Law & Order: Condo Unit. His facts were… well, let’s say aspirational. But that didn’t stop the crowd from nodding like bobbleheads at a royal procession.
Then there was the gentleman – let’s call him Mr. Tinfoil Fedora – who solemnly declared:
“She clearly has something to hide.”
Yes, Geoffrey, it’s called dignity – a rare mineral in these parts. And I tend to keep it hidden around mobs wielding pitchforks.
And how could we forget the woman who screamed from the back row:
“TELL US ABOUT THE WASHER DRYER!”
As if I were hiding state secrets in my lint trap.
The rest of the mob followed suit, eyes wild with moral clarity, necks craning for a better angle from which to judge. One elderly man showed me his fist. Another whispered, “She brought two dogs,” as if I’d smuggled in a herd of unlicensed elephants.
Nobody asked for proof.
Nobody wanted truth.
They just wanted a target.
And so, the stones flew.
The people who threw the most stones – metaphorical and otherwise – were:
🪨 “Three Cats and a Ring Light”
A woman whose feline companions each have their own Instagram accounts, follow each other, and occasionally post about mental health.
🪨 “Sir Fluffsworth’s Entourage”
A man who lives with a boa constrictor and a cat so spoiled it has an air purifier dedicated to its litter box. He swears his snake is “just emotionally misunderstood.”
🪨 “Febreze Fatigue”
At least two residents whose units smell like a cross between a small mammal rescue and a lavender-scented war crime.
Not one of them paused to ask: “Wait, is any of this true?”
To quote a man far wiser than the lot of them:
“Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.”
— John 8:7
What happened that night wasn’t governance.
It was a lynching dressed in linen pants and floral blouses.
A cautionary tale of what happens when cowardice votes and critical thinking stays home.
See you at the next AGM.
Bring a helmet!
Disclaimer: This post is satire and opinion. Read full disclaimer.
