📢 The Newsletter That Says Absolutely Nothing

Well, look who suddenly discovered Mail Merge.

After years of radio silence, our board has decided to grace us with newsletters. And not just any newsletters – these are the literary equivalent of elevator music. Soft. Painless. And utterly void of substance.

But hey, credit where credit’s due: after relentless pressure, we’ve at least forced them to react. True, this is still several light-years away from anything resembling a professional update, but we’ll take our wins where we can. Baby steps. Wobbly, directionless baby steps – but steps nonetheless.

🚪 The Great Stairway Swindle

Here’s a fun detail they didn’t bother including: how much of our money they poured into replacing garage stairs that did not actually need replacing.
A number so sensitive they treat it like the nuclear launch codes. The stairs were fine. Now they’re “new” and… still stairs.

Spoiler alert: 178,000 dollars.

🔥 The Boiler Boondoggle

And those boilers? Oh yes, the “ancient” boilers we were told simply had to go.
Except – minor detail – they’re not 50 years old, and the average life expectancy of a commercial boiler is about 25–30 years.
Translation: they still had years of reliable service left. But why let facts get in the way when you can spend big, pat yourself on the back, and leave the reserve fund gasping for air?

💌 Sample Newsletter – Straight from the Board’s PR Department

Hello Residents,

This month, we replaced some things.
They are now newer than before.
Please note the sky is blue, the weather is nice, and the elevators still go up and down.

We can’t tell you how much we spent or why, but rest assured we are very, very busy.

Stay tuned for next month’s thrilling update: The Lobby Plant Has Been Watered.

Sincerely,
Your Board

💡 PR: Please Remain Clueless

The newsletter could have been a chance to tell owners:

What’s being done
Why it’s necessary
How much it costs
What options were considered

Instead, we got the corporate equivalent of “Don’t worry about it, sweetie.”

So yes – we’re happy we rattled them enough to at least try. But if this is their idea of communication, it’s going to be a very long road to anything even remotely professional. Still, baby steps… right off the financial cliff.

Disclaimer: This post is satire and opinion. Read full disclaimer.

Condo Chronicles