Condo Chronicles

A Survival Manual for the Chronically Unaccountable
🖋️ From the creators of “Reserve Fund Piñata” and “Bureaucracy Gone Wild.”

---

💼 Foreword by Blazer, MBA (Master of Blame Assignment)

“Leadership isn’t about solving problems – it’s about renaming them.
That’s why at Blenvale, we call financial ruin ‘strategic restructuring.’”

---

🧩 Chapter 1 – How to Hold a Meeting Without Saying Anything

• Begin with “Welcome, everyone. Due to confidentiality, we can’t answer questions.”
• Spend the next hour reading your own minutes aloud.
• Adjourn early when someone asks what “legal expenses” actually cover.
• Pro tip: Schedule all meetings during business hours. It keeps employed owners conveniently uninvolved.

---

📞 Chapter 2 – Communication Breakdown for Beginners

• When owners email: reply with “This matter is under review.”
• Translation: We deleted it, but thanks for playing.
• For variety, add “Our lawyer advised against transparency.”
• Always cc the property manager – so you can both ignore the next follow-up together.

---

🌀 Chapter 3 – How to Confuse Owners Using Circular Logic and 9-Point Font

“We didn’t increase fees; we merely realigned your contributions.”

• Use terms like “cash flow optimization” to describe financial chaos.
• If asked to explain, respond: “That was decided at a previous meeting.”
• Make the financial report font size smaller than your conscience.

---

🏦 Chapter 4 – Reserve Funds: Your Piggy Bank of Denial

• Step 1: Borrow from the reserve to pay for your legal defence.
• Step 2: Call it “responsible governance.”
• Step 3: Deny Step 1 ever happened.
• If caught, announce a “Reserve Fund Study” – it’s the boardroom version of hitting Ctrl+Z.

---

🗳️ Chapter 5 – Democratic Theatre: How to Lose a Vote and Still Win

• Stage elections like a Shakespearean tragedy: full of drama, short on logic.
• Allow questions only after adjournment.
• Blame the low turnout on “owner apathy,” not your 9:00 AM weekday scheduling.

---

🔥 Chapter 6 – Damage Control: The Art of Victim Blaming

• When owners expose misconduct, label them “disruptive.”
• When they quote the Condominium Act, call it “harassment.”
• When they win in court, say: “You disagree with the judge.”
• And always finish with, “Let’s move forward.” (Translation: “Pretend nothing happened.”)

---

💡 Epilogue – Leadership in the Age of Accountability (Optional Reading)

“Transparency is like garlic to vampires – handle sparingly.”

• Hold a “townhall” when public pressure peaks.
• Claim it’s for “open dialogue.”
• End it abruptly when someone brings receipts.

---

📖 Fake Table of Contents: Coming Soon

1. How to Approve an Invoice You Never Read
2. Noise Complaints and Other Mythical Creatures
3. Mediation: The Art of Delaying the Inevitable
4. Spin Doctoring for Beginners
5. Conflict of Interest? Never Heard of Her

---

🪞 Closing Quote

“Never attribute to malice what can be explained by sheer incompetence – unless you’ve lived in Blenvale, where it’s clearly both.”

Disclaimer: This post is satire and opinion. Read full disclaimer.