A Blenvale Talent Show for the Bureaucratically Gifted
🎤 “Because accountability is so last season.”
🌟 Opening Monologue
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Board Idol!
Where mediocrity takes center stage and excuses get standing ovations.
Our judges tonight:
- Blazer, retired blame specialist and part-time transparency consultant.
- Mildred, reigning champion of “Strategic Forgetfulness.”
- Lady Gwendolyn, master of the phrase “Let’s not dwell on the past.”
🎙️ Act 1 – The Crowd Favorite: Mildred
Mildred takes the stage clutching her binder of excuses.
Her voice trembles with indignation as she belts out her signature hit:
🎵 “That’s Confidential!” 🎵
It’s a power ballad in 9-point font – a song about hiding financials, withholding minutes, and calling it fiduciary prudence.
Judge Blazer wipes a tear.
“I haven’t seen this level of deflection since the Great Transparency Scandal of 2023.”
Lady Gwendolyn nods.
“So moving… so evasive.”
🧾 Act 2 – Blazer’s Comeback Single: “We Followed Legal Advice”
Blazer takes the mic.
His performance blends denial with light jazz.
Lyrics excerpt:
“We spent your money wisely – on things you can’t see.
Our lawyer said it’s legal – and that’s good enough for me.”
The audience applauds. The property manager faints from pride.
💼 Act 3 – Lady Gwendolyn’s Spoken Word Piece: “In Camera (So You Can’t See)”
Lights dim. She whispers into the microphone:
“This isn’t secrecy… it’s discretion.
This isn’t incompetence… it’s continuity.”
The audience nods blankly, unsure if it’s art or minutes from the last AGM.
🏆 Intermission – Sponsored by Reserve Fund™
Enjoy complimentary water (unbudgeted) and muffins (classified).
Don’t forget to visit the “Ask a Question” booth — it’s closed for maintenance.
🔥 Act 4 – The Group Number: “Let’s Move Forward”
All contestants join for a feel-good finale.
🎶 “Let’s move forward, let’s not look back!
Ignore the invoices, stay on track!
If you ask questions, you’re off-key —
Accountability’s not for me!” 🎶
Confetti made of shredded records rains from the ceiling.
🏅 Final Results
The judges deliberate behind closed doors.
Winner: Mildred – for the third year in a row.
Prize: Another term on the board and a lifetime supply of plausible deniability.
Blazer smiles at the camera:
“At Blenvale, every excuse is a hit single – and accountability never makes the charts.”
🎤 Closing Voice-Over
“Tune in next season for Board Idol: Season 2 – Return of the Audit!
Featuring new hits like ‘Pending Legal Matter’ and ‘We’re Volunteers!’”
Disclaimer: This post is satire and opinion. Read full disclaimer.
