The Board’s Greatest Hits Tour – Now With Extra Lawyers!
“We remain committed to upholding the highest ethical standards.”
— The Board of Directors, Blenvale
(Straight-faced. Presumably.)
🎩 A Most Grateful Acknowledgment of the Board’s Latest Fairy Tale
In their November update, our ever-illuminated Board of Directors took time out of their busy schedule of “ethics and invoices” to explain to us mere mortals how wonderfully they’ve been managing our money.
It’s a stunning piece of fiction – and frankly, Netflix should call.
🎠Townhall Triumphs: The Show Mustn’t Go On
Oh, what a spectacle that Townhall was!
The interruptions! The insolence! The sheer audacity of residents expecting answers!
Apparently, when the audience starts asking about missing funds, it ruins the performance.
Next time, perhaps post a sign at the door:
“Silence, Subjects. The Board is Speaking.”
đź’¸ Special Assessment – A Masterclass in Creative Accounting
They confirmed that our special assessment dollars were “applied across all areas.”
That’s bureaucratic poetry for “we spent it on everything and nothing.”
And that delightful $73,911 on “status certificate wording” and “legal opinions”?
A true love story between the Board and their lawyers.
At this point, SueMore BillMore LLP deserves its own parking space and emotional support vest.
🪣 Leaks, Lies & Liquid Assets
Apparently, the real villain of 2025 wasn’t financial mismanagement – it was water.
Yes, the leak in the lobby destroyed the budget, sabotaged the Reserve Fund, and possibly ran for the board.
We await the lawsuit against the plumbing.
🧮 Reserve Fund Sorcery
Withholding $67,068.50 and calling it “compliant” is financial wizardry.
Newton discovered gravity – the Board discovered levitation.
And the promise to “repay in three installments”?
How very buy-now-pay-later of them.
Coming soon: ReservePay™ – proudly sponsored by Blenvale.
đź’Ľ Requisitioned Meetings: Democracy with a Price Tag
Ah yes, $22,061.53 to hold a meeting where the Board’s lawyer billed $13,696 to explain why no one could speak.
Democracy has never been so expensive.
And the fact that the “requester walked out halfway”?
Who could blame them – that’s a lot to pay to watch your own money argue with you.
🏦 Overdraft Philosophy: The Zen of Empty Accounts
“There is no overdraft privilege.”
So profound.
If there’s no money, they simply… don’t pay.
It’s not “broke,” it’s minimalist governance.
Austerity by design. Visionary stuff.
🏗️ Major Projects, Minor Transparency
“The Board is not required to seek owner approval.”
Of course not. Why consult the people funding your decisions?
They operate like Elvis with a full entourage of lawyers – shaking, spending, and forever surrounded by people paid to say “Yes, absolutely, Your Majesty.”
Section 97 of the Condominium Act is somewhere backstage, doing the Jailhouse Rock.
đź“ś Unsolicited Papers: A Threat to the Crown
The horror – owners sharing information!
How dare residents leave pamphlets at doors!
Thank goodness the Board bravely cracked down on free speech before someone distributed a copy of the Condominium Act.
Unsigned opinions are dangerous – unless they’re on your legal invoices.
⚖️ Ethics: The Imaginary Friend
“We uphold the highest ethical standards.”
Adorable. Like a toddler announcing they’re starting a space program.
Between the missing Reserve Fund transfer, ballooning legal bills, and perpetual “studies,” your ethics must be off earning interest in a GIC somewhere safe and sound.
🪞 Final Reflection: Legends in Their Own Lunch Hour
They’ve turned bureaucracy into burlesque.
They mistake arrogance for authority, confusion for communication, and invoices for intelligence.
And yet – consistency deserves respect. Every update is a masterclass in self-delusion.
So yes, dear Board, please continue “setting the record straight.”
It’s the best comedy this building’s had in years.
Filed under: 🧠Board to Death | 💸 Financial Fantasy | 🪣 Lobby Leak Lies
By: A Deeply Impressed, Mildly Bankrupt Owner
Disclaimer: This post is satire and opinion. Read full disclaimer.
