A Satirical Overview for Civilians
Welcome to litigation, a place where justice is theoretical, tone is evidence, and empathy has been ruled irrelevant on a preliminary motion.
If you’ve ever wondered why so many lawyers sound angry, condescending, or vaguely offended by your existence, relax.
It’s not personal.
It’s professional development.
🎓 Law School: Killing Idealism Gently, Then Thoroughly
Most law students arrive bright-eyed, clutching words like fairness and justice.
Law school fixes that.
By second year, students are trained to:
- argue positions they don’t believe
- sound confident while being wrong
- treat empathy as a bias
- view humans as inconvenient fact patterns
Graduation doesn’t certify moral judgment.
It certifies the ability to argue anything with a straight face and a footnote.
💰 Billable Hours: Where Conflict Goes to Be Monetized
In theory, lawyers solve problems.
In practice, problems are revenue streams.
Peace is bad for business.
Resolution is a rounding error.
What really bills:
- letters designed to provoke, not resolve
- motions filed “out of an abundance of caution” (and profit)
- disputes inflated until they require their own binder
Justice may be blind, but billing software sees everything -especially escalation.
⚔️ Aggression: Not a Flaw, a Feature
Aggression isn’t rudeness.
It’s a tactic.
Used to:
- intimidate opponents
- exhaust self-represented litigants
- confuse vulnerable parties
- force settlements for the crime of wanting peace
Bonus points if the target is disabled, unrepresented, or naive enough to think courts care about context.
🧠 Dehumanization 101
To survive long-term litigation, lawyers must master the following skills:
- reducing a person to “the applicant”
- treating lived experience as “allegations”
- converting harm into “tone issues”
- rebranding cruelty as “zealous advocacy”
Eventually, empathy isn’t lost – it’s just moved to an archive folder labeled Irrelevant.
🪞 The Fragile Ego Beneath the Suit
Here’s the secret no seminar covers.
Many aggressive lawyers are terrified.
Terrified of:
- being wrong
- losing control
- a self-represented litigant who read the record
- a judge asking the wrong question
Hence the volume.
Hence the posture.
Hence the aggressive tone disguised as confidence.
👩⚖️ Judicial Approval: Silence Is Endorsement
This behavior thrives because courts tolerate it.
Condescension?
“Professional advocacy.”
Selective quoting?
“Strategic focus.”
Omitting disability context?
“Not necessary to address.”
When delivered calmly and in a suit, hostility becomes credible.
🌱 Are There Good Lawyers?
Yes. Of course.
You’ll find them:
- mediating
- advising
- doing public-interest work
- quietly solving problems without theatrical rage
Litigation culture, however, views these people as “not a good fit.”
🔍 Final Diagnosis
Aggressive lawyers aren’t anomalies.
They’re the logical outcome of a system that:
- rewards dominance
- monetizes conflict
- tolerates cruelty
- and mistakes confidence for competence
If you feel bullied, dismissed, or worn down — especially as a disabled or self-represented person — congratulations.
You’ve just encountered institutionalized hostility in a tailored suit.
Itemized.
Filed.
Adjourned.
Disclaimer: This post is satire and opinion. Read full disclaimer.
