(as interpreted by a man and his liberated dog)
🚪 The Radical Act of Waiting
We were standing by the elevator.
Not loitering with intent.
Not staging a protest.
Not rehearsing interpretive dance in the hallway.
Just standing. Waiting.
As one does in buildings where elevators exist.
🌪️ The Arrival
Then came the dog.
Not walking.
Not guided.
Not even loosely supervised in the spirit of optimism.
No – this dog arrived like a sudden storm.
Loose. Uncontained. Entirely committed to chaos.
🪓 The Theory of the Lumberjack
Now, in most versions of reality, this is where the owner says:
“I’m so sorry.”
Simple. Elegant. Available to everyone.
But not here.
Instead, we were introduced to a bold new theory:
We were standing too close to the elevator.
🧠 A New Understanding of Reality
Let’s process this carefully.
- Unleashed dog in a shared building → perfectly fine
- No control, no recall → acceptable
- Humans waiting for an elevator → deeply problematic
The issue, it seems, is not what happened.
The issue… is where we existed while it happened.
📜 Proposed Building Policy
One assumes a notice will follow:
Residents are reminded to remain at a safe and respectful distance from elevators, as proximity may disturb free-range dogs and inconvenience their owners.
🐾 The Dog, Innocent as Ever
The dog did exactly what dogs do.
He didn’t assign blame.
He didn’t rewrite reality.
He didn’t hold a hallway seminar on spatial awareness.
He reacted to the world he was released into.
⚖️ Why We Said Nothing
We didn’t report it.
Not because it was acceptable.
Because we understand how this ends.
The dog gets consequences.
The owner gets… theories.
And next time, the explanation will improve:
- We stood too upright
- We breathed too loudly
- We existed too close to something we should have avoided
🧍♀️ Final Thought
We remain students of this philosophy.
Careful now –
🚪 not too close to the elevator.
Disclaimer: This post is satire and opinion. Read full disclaimer.
