I am told, again and again:
“You need to forgive.”
“For your own peace.”
“Let it go.”
As if peace is something you can manufacture by pretending none of it mattered.
As if the body forgets what it had to endure.
đź’” You Were Not There
You were not there when my world narrowed to fear and survival.
You were not there when every day carried the weight of uncertainty.
You were not there when I was trying – quietly, desperately –
to hold myself together.
And yet, in that exact chapter of my life, when I had the least left to give – they took more.
Not gently.
Not by accident.
But through harassment, through lies, through pressure, through indifference.
While I was fighting for my health,
I was also forced to fight them.
And that does something to a person.
🧠People Talk About Forgiveness Like It’s Simple
They say:
“Just let it go.”
But they don’t understand that trauma doesn’t leave just because you decide it should.
It stays:
- in your body
- in your memory
- in the way your chest tightens when you think about it
It stays in the quiet moments when everything slows down
and your mind goes back there – whether you want it to or not.
So no – this is not something I can just “release.”
⚖️ What They Actually Want
Let’s be honest about what people mean when they say “forgive”:
They want closure.
They want comfort.
They want the story to end neatly.
They want me to say:
“It’s okay.”
But it’s not okay.
And it never was.
🧨 The Part No One Wants to Hear
I tried.
I tried to move past it.
I tried to soften it.
I tried to tell myself it wasn’t as bad as it felt.
But every time I do that, I feel like I am abandoning myself.
Because the truth is – it hurt. deeply.
And I will not betray that truth just to make others more comfortable.
🧱 I Am Not Choosing Bitterness
I am choosing honesty.
I am choosing to say:
- This happened
- It mattered
- It changed me
And I am allowed to carry that without being told I am doing something wrong.
🕯️ What Healing Actually Looks Like
Healing is not me smiling and saying
“I forgive you.”
Healing is:
- getting through the day when it feels heavy
- rebuilding a sense of safety
- learning how to exist again without constantly bracing
Healing is slow.
Uneven.
Quiet.
And it does not require me to absolve the people who hurt me.
đź–¤ The Truth I Can Live With
I am human.
And right now – I cannot forgive them.
Not because I am weak. Because I am strong.
Because I remember.
Because I lived it.
Because I felt it.
Because it did not happen in some distant, trivial moment – it happened when I was already fighting for my life.
✍️ Final Word
Maybe one day, something in me softens.
Or maybe it doesn’t.
But I will not force forgiveness like a performance
while part of me is still bleeding.
I will not rewrite my pain into something polite.
I will not abandon myself to give them peace.
If forgiveness ever comes, it will come honestly.
Until then, I choose to stand with myself.
