By Murphy, Defender of Humans, Destroyer of Squeaky Toys
🐾 Dear Board Members,
It is me.
The dog.
The little grey one.
You may remember me from such major condominium events as:
📂 The Investigation
📂 The Investigation About The Investigation
📂 The Tribunal
📂 The Appeal
📂 The Never-Ending Dog Saga
I realize that, from your perspective, I may have been difficult to identify.
After all, I am only slightly larger than a loaf of bread.
🤔 I Have Some Questions
I have been thinking.
Mostly while sleeping.
Which is when I do my best thinking.
And I am confused.
You see, I spend most of my days doing important work:
🛏️ Sleeping on blankets
🐿️ Monitoring squirrel activity
🍗 Looking for dropped food
🚪 Greeting visitors
❤️ Looking after my human
Yet somehow I became a matter requiring lawyers.
This seems excessive.
I have met raccoons that caused less concern.
⚖️ About My Criminal Record
I understand there were allegations.
I would like the record corrected.
The following accusations are TRUE:
✅ I stole a piece of chicken in 2024.
✅ I once barked at a vacuum cleaner.
✅ I have repeatedly ignored commands when treats were not involved.
✅ I shed on black clothing.
The following accusations are FALSE:
❌ Threatening condominium governance.
❌ Destabilizing the community.
❌ Requiring years of litigation.
❌ Being the greatest threat facing the corporation.
🦴 What I Learned About Humans
Before moving here, I thought humans were very intelligent creatures.
Now I am less certain.
For example:
If dogs have a disagreement, we sniff each other.
Maybe bark.
Then we move on.
Humans apparently hire lawyers.
This seems inefficient.
💰 A Financial Observation
As a dog, I do not understand budgets.
My financial strategy is simple:
Find treat.
Eat treat.
Repeat.
However, I understand enough mathematics to know that an awful lot of money was spent discussing a dog whose greatest ambition is reaching the couch.
I cannot help wondering what else that money could have purchased.
Perhaps treats.
Lots and lots of treats.
🚌 A Strange Discovery
The other day I rode a bus.
Nobody cared.
I walked through stores.
Nobody cared.
I met strangers.
Nobody cared.
I visited parks.
Nobody cared.
Then I came home and remembered:
“Oh yes. Here I am apparently a governance challenge.”
It remains one of life’s great mysteries.
❤️ About My Human
There is one thing I do understand.
My job is to look after her.
When she is happy, I am happy.
When she is sad, I stay close.
When she is anxious, I don’t leave her side.
I don’t understand legal proceedings.
I don’t understand appeals.
I don’t understand politics.
But I do understand loyalty.
Dogs are good at that.
🌅 In Closing
One day all of this will be forgotten.
The meetings.
The reports.
The arguments.
The motions.
The investigations.
The drama.
What will remain are the things that mattered.
Kindness.
Friendship.
Family.
And perhaps a very small grey dog who never understood why so many people spent so much energy being upset about him.
🐾 With Love,
Murphy
25 Pounds of Fluff
Chief Executive Officer of Naps
Senior Vice President of Belly Rubs
Director of Squirrel Intelligence
Recipient of Multiple Unauthorized Treats
🥰🐾🦴
Disclaimer: This post is satire and opinion. Read full disclaimer.
