Residents were eagerly awaiting the arrival of the new property management company.
Would there be improvements?
Modernization?
A portal?
A convenient way to access documents?
The answer, apparently, is no.
🦕 A BOARD FROZEN IN TIME
In fairness, we should not judge.
When this board was young, humanity was still working through some very complicated technological challenges.
📠 The fax machine had only recently been domesticated.
💾 A megabyte was considered an extravagant amount of storage.
📁 Documents were carefully organized in filing cabinets where they could remain hidden for generations.
The concept of an owner portal would have sounded like witchcraft.
🔍 THE INTERVIEW
One imagines the hiring process went something like this:
Management Company #1
“We provide owners with online access to records.”
The board gasped.
Online?
To owners?
Directly?
Security was called.
Management Company #2
“Our portal allows residents to easily locate documents.”
The board immediately became concerned.
“What if they actually find them?”
The interview ended shortly thereafter.
Management Company #3
“We believe transparency builds trust.”
Several directors reportedly fainted.
Management Company #4
“We don’t seem to have a portal.”
Silence.
The room grew still.
A single tear rolled down the board president’s cheek.
At last.
Someone who understands.
🤝 Contract awarded.
🔒 A PERFECT MATCH
Because let’s be honest.
A portal would create problems.
Owners might read financial statements.
Owners might review meeting minutes.
Owners might discover what decisions are being made.
Owners might become informed.
And once owners become informed, they start asking questions.
Nobody wants that kind of negativity.
🏆 EXCELLENCE IN GOVERNANCE
Many condominium corporations measure success through transparency, communication, and owner engagement.
Our board has chosen a bolder path.
A more ambitious vision.
A vision where information exists in a mysterious parallel universe accessible only through emails, follow-ups, reminders, and occasional divine intervention.
Some communities live in 2026.
Our community remains proudly committed to preserving the values that made 1998 great.
📠 Faxes.
📂 Filing cabinets.
⏳ Waiting for documents.
And the timeless belief that the best way to answer questions is to make sure nobody can find the answers.
Truly inspiring.
📜 Board to Death Heritage Minute
“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. Those who can remember the past may be elected to the board.”
Disclaimer: This post is satire and opinion. Read full disclaimer.
